The Resolution (x2)

I am going to get into shape.

Well, I know you’ve heard this before. I wrote these words on Tuesday, March 11, 2008- before embarking on a new quest to get fit, healthy and trim. At the time I was 150 pounds- and I felt FAT, disgusting, and embarrassed by my body. So I vowed to start eating better and exercising more. I stuck to that plan for a whole 9 days! Wow, I should have been proud. Sad thing is, it’s the most successful I’ve ever been at dieting. And I did well- I believe that, after nine days, I’d dropped at least five pounds.

Then the unthinkable happened- right around the time I wrote that entry, I became pregnant with my second child.

Isn’t that always the way? You really start to get into a groove, you’re on the right track…. And, pow! Life hits you in the face at a hundred miles an hour! Whether you’re hitting your career goals, your fitness goals or your relationship goals… pregnancy always seems to happen when you least expect it. Well, nine months after I made my first resolution, I gave birth to a beautiful blonde haired, blue-eyed little boy named Logan. And in less than a week, that little boy will be turning one year old. And it’s time for me to whoop my flabby butt back into shape!

In my last pregnancy, I didn’t just gain weight. I GAINED WEIGHT. I retained some water, had some swollen ankles… but mostly, I just retained FAT. I can blame that on several factors- working a desk job, being too tired to work out. I had some pretty bad back pain, which lead me to taking an early maternity leave, so that made it hard to exercise in and of itself. Also, I used that age-old pregnancy excuse… “I’m eating for two,” a LOT. I mean, a lot. I ate and ate a ridiculous amount of food. I sky-rocketed from 145 pounds pre-pregnancy to… (I cringe to write this! I really do!)

199 pounds.

Yes, I’m not kidding. One pound shy of hitting that revolting 200-pound mark. Eventually, I delivered a 9 pound, 2 ounce baby…. And lost some blood and fluids along the way. But that only accounts for about 15 pounds. That means that I gained a disgusting, unnecessary 40 or so pounds that I did NOT need. Holy mother of Moses, I was big.

And I’ve been fighting to get back to my ‘fat’ 150 pounds ever since. Honestly, at this point, hitting 150 pounds again would be a MILESTONE. I’d be THRILLED. Funny how perspective changes things, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately, my son turned breech in the last month- and I had to undergo a c-section. So, boom- right there, two months recovery time where I couldn’t exercise. And after that… well, let’s just say caring for two kids doesn’t leave a lot of time to exercise. I got on (and fell off!) the fitness bandwagon more times than I could count. EVERY SINGLE DAY for the past year, I’ve measured the overall success of the day by how much food I put into my face. And NEARLY every single day, I find myself saying, “Tomorrow, I’ll do better. It will be better tomorrow. I WILL start again tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Today was just a slip- tomorrow.”

Well, TOMORROW is today. It HAS to come. I cannot spend the rest of my life as a big girl! I cannot spend the rest of my life putting off the things I want to do because I’m too ashamed of my body. I want my (common-law) husband to be attracted to me again. I don’t want to keep putting off having a real wedding because I’ll look fat in the photos. I don’t want to be the person always taking pictures because I don’t want to be in front of the camera. When I look back at this period in my life through film, I’m going to find myself startlingly absent a lot of the time- which would be appropriate because I AM absent a lot of the time. I miss out on so much because I either cannot or will not participate. And I’m through with it.

As of this morning, I was 165 disgusting pounds. Which is especially heartbreaking because last month, I LOST 5 pounds. I was doing so well- then I gained back three and a half of those pounds. I’ve been eating a lot lately- garbage, mostly. I actually get more satisfaction from eating cake than I do from sex- isn’t that sad? The fact is, I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. My husband was recently diagnosed with some… medical conditions. Conditions he’s had for his entire life, that have affected his personal and professional relationships—but that he’s never been treated for before. Because of these medical conditions, he’s been on medical leave from work twice over the past year. He’s back to work now, but under strict probation. Any little slip, and he’s unemployed. I’ve been under a tremendous amount of stress and have found myself eating because it’s the only time I ever feel really good anymore. The problem is, after I eat, I gain weight. Then I feel worse. I really, really need to do something about this. I NEED to take control of my body. If I can’t even take care of myself, how can I care for my family???

I’ve returned to this blog because it really helped a lot the last time. I’m hoping to pick up where I started then- only this time, I’m DONE having children, so I know pregnancy won’t interrupt my plans. My goal weight is 125 pounds. My target date? Canada Day, 2010. This means that, starting today, I will have to lose (on average) 1.27 pounds per week. I need to restrict my caloric intake by about 636 per day. I CAN DO THIS. That’s really not too bad, right?

Realistic goals. Take control. If I can do this, I can do anything.

So, please, continue to read along with me. Offer feedback- I’m going to need all the support I can get! If you’re looking to lose weight yourself, please, share with me! I would love to have a weight-loss buddy!

We can do this together.

Tomorrow begins TODAY.